So as you may or may not have noticed, it's been quite some time since I've last posted here. Since I've been gone a great deal of change has occurred. In a lot of ways I've gone through something that has changed me and in a way, I can never be quite the same person I was before.
We found out the joyous news that we were expecting on December 20, 2012, a few days before Christmas. We were so over the moon overjoyed and couldn't believe how we had been blessed. We (naively) shouted the news from the rooftops and shared it with everyone we could. Especially since it was around Christmas, we were around family and friends we wouldn't see for awhile, so why not share the happy news, we thought...
I knew we were taking a risk by sharing the news so early, but so what? I thought...we were so out of our minds ecstatic that we just couldn't hold it in.
Our lives changed forever on that cold February day. It wasn't just a few weeks earlier at our first ultrasound that we saw the microscopic heart pumping away. Our hearts sang out with joy at that little blip. Our hearts grew 10 sizes that day. We loved our little one with our whole hearts. We loved someone we had never met before, someone who wasn't but the size of a grape. We poured our hearts and souls into that little blip. We dreamed dreams that we never knew we had for that little blip.
Our lives changed forever that day. No longer was there a little heart pumping a way. A life that we had created, gone just like that. Gone so quickly, from a beating little blip to nothing. Stillness. Gone.
Two months later, it still feels like a struggle every day. A struggle to try and be that carefree happy-go-lucky person that I was, because I do want to be that person. I don't want what I've gone through to have changed me for the worse. But at the same time, I know that I've changed. I feel stronger in a way, and I feel so much closer to my husband than I've ever felt before. We've been to the darkest point in our lives, we've been to hell and back. But we got through it. Together.
But I worry. I worry that my heart is just a little bit harder. That I never really knew this type of pain existed before and now that I've been through it, I'm worried I'll never quite be the same. Even though I've grieved, yes I've grieved and I've cried more than I've ever cried before. Yes, I've embarrassed myself with emotional outbursts while out for drinks with friends.
But I guess that's what they call the healing process, and I do think it's a process. As time goes on it does get better and I do know that it will continue to get better. I already look forward to the day we bring our child home. I know it will never erase what we've gone through, but maybe, just maybe it will make the joy that much sweeter.
So, I apologize for my absence, I just haven't quite been myself these past few months. But I feel like I'm starting to see glimmers of my old self, and that in time I'll heal. We'll heal. It didn't feel right sitting in silence, and I didn't want to pretend it didn't happen. I just didn't have the words. I feel ready now to let it out and share my story. I want to share the good times, of course, but this is life, this is my life and something that I've gone through and am going through.
Hopefully there will be good times ahead, and happy stories to share, because I have many of those as well. And I've learned that that really is what it's all about. Surrounding yourself with people that make you happy. People that you know will be there for you no matter what. People that you are blessed to have in your life. And I have so many of these wonderful people in my life, and I AM so very blessed. Thank you to all who continue to show their love and support. It means the world to me.
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment